Pregnancy after miscarriage.

I've been trying to write this for a while now and I don't think it will ever be easy. Pregnancy after miscarriage will always be hard, for me seeing those two blue lines was scary. I didn't even have time to heal from my previous miscarriages (June and August '17) when I found out I was pregnant again. Sam and I weren't actively trying and I quite naively didn't think it was possible for me to get pregnant so soon, I hadn't had a period between miscarrying in August and convincing again!

After booking my first midwife appointment I instantly felt anxious, it all didn't seem real. From my appointment I found out I was around 7 weeks and was due on 25th May - a day before Sams birthday! I also got booked in for an early scan when I was 9 weeks, I called him afterwards and let him know everything. This is when the excitement started to creep in, I had a due date which I never had before and we were going to see our tiny dot! I'd previously had scans before but saw nothing as there was no heartbeats.

The 2 weeks after my first appointment zoomed by and early scan day came around - I remember feeling so anxious that I felt sick, scans had never been a good thing for me but there it was our tiny babies heartbeat and I couldnt help but cry. We'd wanted nothing more that to see it flicker, everything started to feel real and scary. 

Weeks past and it was time to see our little bean again at our 12 week scan, again I felt so anxious that I felt sick - I couldnt help but think the worst but I'd never got this far in pregnancy, my two previous I miscarried at 6 weeks so this was a huge achievement. Our baby had grown so much and everything was perfect, we also got a new due date - 26th May, daddys birthday!

Different stages through my pregnancy, the third picture is so special! Our niece cuddling her soon to be cousin.

As the pregnancy went along I think I began to relax a little more, feeling baby move was the most amazing experience and its nothing you can ever describe! Also once we hit the 20 week mark and saw our perfect baby again I began to feel safe, I knew things could go wrong but having our baby was starting to become more of a reality. We know knew the gender - a little boy! ❤️ I started to to let myself imagine who he'd look most like and started buying essentials!

Everything was going great until a 34 week midwife appointment where I was told I needed a growth scan, everything was fine, baby was growing great but my bump wasn't as he'd been engaged since 28 weeks! But that didn't stop anxiety setting in, I think that the scans were my triggers, I loved nothing more than seeing my baby but they'd always been a bad thing before.

Alot of the time through my pregnancy I spent so much time believing that it wouldnt happen. I was 100% pregnant but it didnt ever feel like I'd get my baby end of it all, I spent alot of time worrying but I did really enjoy my pregnancy once I got my head around it all! My only bad points were exhaustion and sickness!

I think that so many people see talking about miscarriages as a taboo but it helps me so much talking about the two we lost and Logan will know of them! They're the reason we now have him ❤️

I feel like Im babbling now but what I'm getting at is that you can't have a rainbow without a little rain and Logan is 100% our little rainbow. If youve miscarried and are wanting to try again, go for it! Its normal to have worries and anxieties but it could all be worth it in the end.

I really hope this post can help people, hearing my experience - love Alex x